The opportunity cost of success |

The opportunity cost of success

Mon, Oct 25, 2010

Over the last few months, I’ve had a number of great discussions with people I both admire and respect about work/life balance and the challenge of managing it all while achieving professional success.

In the course of those conversations, one question kept coming up: “How do people make it look so easy?”

It’s a great question. And one I’ve asked directly to a number of folks over the last year.

And, here’s the answer: It’s not easy.

Every single person who achieves professional success makes a trade-off. Whether that’s with their family, their hobbies or their pets. Everyone makes that trade-off.

It’s the opportunity cost of success.

Just look at the folks who are kicking some serious ass.

They’re at the top of their games. They’ve written books. They travel the country speaking. And, they’re most likely making a good chunk of change as a result.

But you know what? It’s all coming at a cost.

I don’t know what those costs are—and it’s not my place to speculate. But I guarantee you each one of those people is making some sort of trade-off.

We all do.

It’s the opportunity cost of success.

I’ll use myself as an example. In the last year, I’ve started a profitable business, helped organize one of the largest social media events in the country, organized the first-ever Minnesota Blogger Conference, redesigned and revamped my own blog (and continue to blog regularly), helped launch Help a PR Pro Out and sat on the MN PRSA board of directors.

What in the hell was I thinking?

Clearly, I wasn’t. That’s a whole heck of a lot of work. And I can tell you without question that it came at a pretty steep cost.

I probably haven’t been the best husband this past year. I work most evenings so I find myself spending less and less time with my wife.

I probably haven’t been the best Dad to my two small children (ages 3 and almost 6). I pride myself and being a great father, but I know I could definitely be a better Dad to them both.

And I know I haven’t been the best friend. Sure, I talk to folks online almost daily, but my “real life” friends have taken a significant hit. My oldest friend in the world? I’ve probably seen him 4 times in the last year. One of my best golfing buddies? I played with him twice this whole year. It’s a huge sacrifice, and one I knew I was making. I’m hoping to correct this in 2011, but it was just a ball that dropped in 2010.

As you can see, 2010 had a significant opportunity cost for me. Have I had a successful year as a business person? I’d like to think so. Has that come with a cost? A fairly big one.

My point? Success has a price. For us all. It’s different for everyone, but make no mistake about it, there is a price. It’s one of the true secrets of success that no one really talks about. But believe me, it’s there.

So, the next time someone asks you how you make it look so easy. Do me a favor. Tell them the truth.

Note: Photo courtesy of dtiriba via stock.xchang.

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Matt Lee

Exactly correct.

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Lisa Grimm

Great post, friend. I had a similar convo with The Sauce at #BWE10 (phenom job co-producing the org of social media business summit piece btw) about this, but didn't have a name for what you've so simply outlined here. I described a number of the same things along with some other issues, like not relating to old friends as I used to and feeling like I can't find balance between the awesome, yet demanding responsibilities that I have nowadays and my life. While I'm in a bit of a different place with this sort of thing, I can totally relate and appreciate you putting it down like this. I also have to add one small thing... It's always good to look at the alternative. If you were unhappy or just working some job that did nothing for you as an individual, or even worse, makes you miserable, the toll on those around you can be worse than what you're doing. You are such a great example to many of us, Arik. I'm sure that this year, and maybe even next have been/will be a little nuts, but I know you and you'll find middle ground eventually. What a lovely example to set for your munchkins too. Not settling for what's out there and going after your dreams. Lots to admire there:-) Thanks again for this Arik.

Risdall McKinney PR

Thanks for this perspective. As I grapple with my own choices, your post simplified the pros and cons list down to one item - What is the Cost? Makes decisions a lot easier when you put it in that framework. Thanks for the sage and somehow very timely advice.

JGoldsborough

This is a great post, Arik. Important topic. I struggle with time management now and we don't have kids yet. What I'm working really hard on is something you allude to -- prioritizing. Had a great conversation with my boss the other day and she said: "When you're pulling your computer out to work at night, are you doing something that's due tonight or tomorrow morning? If not, it can wait."

I think that's solid advice. Burn out is a real thing. And family is too important. There has to be a point where we put away the technology. I'm working hard to keep reminding myself of that. Thanks.

Arik Hanson

That's great advice from your boss, Justin. I've tried a similar approach in the last few weeks. I'm also trying to take a "keep the phone/laptop in the other room" approach. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

Pablo Edwards

What a wonderful piece. I have been chasing my career for many years and it wasn't until recently that I realized just how much I was throwing away to get there. Thanks for the reminder.

Jeff

Yes, success does have a price. Unfortunately, you may not realize just what the cost is until it's too late. As an older guy who has two kids recently out of the house, I may have some perspective. I always made time for my kids. Always, always, sometimes at the cost of some professional advancement... and I don't regret it for one single second. The time I spent with my kids -- which included annual trips with them, together and separately -- are the most cherished moments I ever had. Work memories? They don't even come close. Not even close. You know that old saying that on your deathbed you won't be wishing you'd spent more time at work? Take it seriously. There are, of course, times when it is impossible to keep things in balance. Make sure those times are as short as they can be. Don't let the vice become a habit. Don't romanticize the long hours and sacrifices to the office. Understand that your most important legacy is not a plaque on the wall of some company.... it's your kids. And what you do with them when they are small -- the time you spend, more than anything else -- will in large part determine who they are as adults, and what your relationship with them will be. Don't mess it up.

As someone who's been through the meat grinder before, thanks for sharing that wisdom, Jeff. I'm in that exact spot right now. Put away the computer when the kids are up at night. Turn off the phone. It can wait. Pay attention to what's really important. Your comment really hit home with me. Thank you for taking the time to leave it.

Just wanted to share a part of an email Jeff (see above) shared with me earlier this week. I thought it was too good to sit in my inbox and for no one to see it:

"If you'll indulge me for a moment, I want to tell you about the time my daughter (she's now 22) was old enough to go into Dairy Queen and stand in line by herself.... I dunno, she was maybe three or four. I was in the car right outside, so it was OK. But as I sat there and watched her, I realized that that kid I was looking at it would soon be gone. Yes, "replaced" by another kid, a little older, a little smarter, a little different... but not the kid I saw in front of me. I knew, instinctively, that I needed to appreciate that kid, right then and there. Because she would be gone before I knew it. And she was. Every year, to this day, that kid and I spend a few days together... hiking and backpacking, or canoeing in the BWCA, or traipsing around Scotland or Ireland... because she is still changing and growing, and I want to know the kid that is there right now.

I also remember the time when my son (who is now 18) was singing in a pre-school holiday event, and I was not planning to go... too much to do at work. But at the last minute, I said "screw it," and went. Seeing him sing, and what it meant to him for me to be there -- they could have fired me and it still would have been the right choice.

My son is now in his first months in the U.S. Marines Corp. That's a whole different story. But I have realized that the time he and I spent together -- braving the backcountry in Alaska, for example -- was a critical element in making him the man he is today, someone capable of enduring the rigors of the most difficult boot camp in the U.S. armed forces, and becoming a young man that makes me, simply, burst with pride.

To me, there was never a "difficult decision to scale back." I worked the 60 hour weeks before I had kids, and I knew when my wife and I started a family, that they would always take priority. I knew what would happen professionally would happen.... I was never conflicted. What I did just felt natural and right. That may not be the case with everyone. To each his own.

My wife and I have been empty nesters for only a few months now (although since we're still paying a hefty tuition bill, I'm not sure we are officially empty nesters yet... : )), but during that short time I have thought a lot about this kind of stuff. And I have realized that the most important, enduring relationships I have are with my family... and that the joy and pride I have with my kids is something I wouldn't trade for anything. Simply... they sustain me, day after day, no matter how good or bad everything else is going.

Now don't get me wrong. I never missed a work deadline in my life, the companies I worked for knew they could always depend on me to get the job done, to be able to take that media call, or write that speech, or whatever, whether it was on a Monday afternoon or a Saturday night. It was sometimes a real balancing act, but I was always efficient and fast and organized, and it worked out.

Everybody needs to make the decisions that are right for them... mine were right for me, they might not be for someone else. But I much as I love technology, it seems so silly these days that people feel they can't leave the office for a week or a weekend without having to check their email 50 times a day. That's a sickness, and to me not a sign of "importance" but a sign of poor structure or leadership. A lot of my vacations are deep in the woods, or on a remote Canadian lake, where no one can reach me, for any reason. I was always confident that I had taught the people working for me to be able to handle anything that might come our way."

Kate

I totally get this, and for six months from late April to early October I basically gave up my life, my interests, my family and my friends to work almost 50 hours a week to help alleviate the financial strain we were going through. I knew it would come at a huge cost, and we discussed this prior to the start of the job, but we had no clue how hard it ultimately would be. But despite that feeling of losing track of everything I love, and having to deal with some very unpleasant aspects associated with the job, I persevered and finished and for at least that amount of time, we never had to really worry about our bank account and our bills. Was it worth it? For sure. Everything was still here when it ended, and is all slowly getting reintegrated back into my life. And all those aspects of your life will too. Sometimes we just have to leap off the cliff at the opportunity that exists, and often we figure it all out as we plummet through the air, but in the end, we just have to take a deep breath and know that we made a difference.

Exactly where I'm at. Life was a blur this last year (and I'm guessing that won't change next year), but I know the people I love will be there, no matter what. My specific issue is that there really isn't a beginning and end to what I'm doing now (it sounds like there was for you), so I'm not exactly sure how to handle that. Year one definitely included some "ramp up" time on many levels, but for the most part, this is how it's going to be for the foreseeable future. So, I just need to get better and more efficient at managing my time. We'll see how that goes ;) Thanks for sharing, Kate!

Missy

Hi Arik, I've been mulling over this post all day. I read it first thing this morning and it hasn't left me. I appreciate that you shared pretty openly about your experiences. I always connect more with people when they drive a message home with personal experience.

A couple months ago, someone asked me to coffee because they wanted to know how I "do it all" -- as if I had some magic formula on being a professional, write a blog and be a mom. Apparently they thought I made it look like I knew what I was doing and had a secret. My answer??? I don't sleep much, and I don't watch TV at all (there was a time when I used to spend my evenings watching Gray's Anatomy & Lost. Those days are long over).

Also - these days I am a single parent, so my time in the evenings (post kid-bedtime) is mostly at home, working on my craft - either putting in extra hours on my day job, or writing, strategizing or communicating with folks in the social media realm re: my blog. Of course I don't work EVERY night... but more often than not. The good news? I love it. I love what I'm doing and my passion fuels my work.

When I add more to the mix though, like you, with the MN Blogger Conference we planned - or the many other little things I sprinkle in from time to time, I risk burn out. I find myself distracted and looking at e-mails on my phone rather than my kids art projects. My "free" time that comes about every-other-weekend can get sucked up into "work" instead of play... and that can be discouraging, and draining. While I continue to make my children my first priority during my evenings and weekends with them, the biggest sacrifice for me is personal care and leisure time.

Which is why I continue to get pedicures on a regular basis. And refuse to accept a lick of judgment for it.

Great post.

Oh boy. I hear you! I just started a new gig...and while it was fabulous for the first month (before I started) to have everyone fawn over me and my job...once I started...well, it was/is like drinking from an open firehose. My family went into this also with their eyes wide open...but until you hit the ground running...you have no idea what you're in for. In addition to the steep learning curve, I'm presented with challenges that will only make me a better PR pro. On the other hand...I do have to work harder on making time for my family and friends. But I refuse to beat myself up over it...cuz THAT is a waste of time! Consider yourself lucky if you have a great support network...as that will also be the key to your success.

For more interesting commentary on this subject...check out @ginidietrich's recent post about "Can you run a start-up and have a family?" on Spin Sucks. The avalanche of comments was astounding...this is clearly a subject that hits a collective nerve among PR pros...

Congrats on the new gig, Elissa. Not sure I had heard that. I went through a similar experience with an agency I worked for a few years back. Great experience, but talk about firehose. Not all that much different from my current role, turns out. But, it provided me a huge lesson back then (don't be too hard on yourself).

And thanks for passing along Gini's post. I somehow must have missed that one.

Mkbreaseale

I am currently a senior majoring in public relations. As graduation gets closer and closer, the issue of time management is one that weighs heavily on my mind. Throughout my childhood, my parents were both educators. I cherish those summers I had with my parents and the memories we made. As a PR professional, I know I will not have those summers and afternoons with my children. I want to be successful, but I also want to be a wonderful mother and wife. While this is not in the near future, I do fear I will have trouble balancing my work and personal life.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. You should be proud of your successes in and out of the office.

Katie Breaseale
Platform Online Magazine, Student Editor
www.platformmagazine.com

I think the important thing to understand going in, Katie, is that no one does it all. No one is super-human. And no one is perfect. Basically, just take it easy on yourself. Life is hard enough as it is--no reason to make it any tougher. As hard as we all push ourselves each day, we could also benefit by giving ourselves a break from time to time. We need it.

Oh wow, does your article bring back memories! I'm now making a conscious effort to focus far more on the family and spouse than before because quite frankly, when it comes down to the most important things in life...it ain't your work.

It's the people you love and who love you back.

Teresa Boardman

I remember the year I started my business. I lost 20 pounds and I don't think I was ever at home. I know I didn't take any vacations and all I remember is spending time in my car. I don't remember much about that year at all. Was it worth it? Honestly I have no idea. . . honestly I don't. The only thing I can say is that I would probably make the same choice again. I did not see any other options at the time and I still don't see what I could have done differently . . well maybe one thing. I didn't need to worry as much as I did or to be as hard on myself as I was.

And there's the lesson, right Teresa? "I didn't need to worry as much as I did or to be as hard on myself as I was." I took that one to heart after I left a job a few years ago. And, it's made a big difference in my "quality of life." Thanks for sharing!

Jasonpkeith

Hi Arik,

Great post and great thoughts, I think we all struggle with this. One question: were the costs worth the sacrifices, with the benefit of hindsight?

Good question. I did go in eyes wide open. I knew starting a business and doing some of the things I wanted to do in year one would take a significant investment in time and energy. Looking back now, could I have been a better friend/husband/father? Of course. But, this lifestyle has also afforded me the opportunities to walk my son to school every day. Pick my daughter up from daycare on various days (one of my favorite things). Have lunch and coffee with colleagues from time to time. Travel a bit with my wife. Organize a big piece of BlogWorld. And, in general, work my schedule according to my life--not someone else's. I would definitely do it again--no question. The benefits have been substantial. But, I think I just would have approached a few things a bit differently--things I will be changing in the year ahead. Live and learn, right?

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